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About Deviant Michał28/Male/Poland Recent Activity
Deviant for 11 Years
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Little cat statue by Bozar88 Little cat statue :iconbozar88:Bozar88 18 8 Skeleton by Bozar88 Skeleton :iconbozar88:Bozar88 8 1 Gorgologist's dream by Bozar88 Gorgologist's dream :iconbozar88:Bozar88 16 6 Plankton: protista by Bozar88 Plankton: protista :iconbozar88:Bozar88 28 14 Orange-tipped horsetail by Bozar88 Orange-tipped horsetail :iconbozar88:Bozar88 5 0 Hydration by Bozar88 Hydration :iconbozar88:Bozar88 4 3 The colors of autumn by Bozar88 The colors of autumn :iconbozar88:Bozar88 35 8 Pitcher by Bozar88 Pitcher :iconbozar88:Bozar88 7 4 Supernova by Bozar88 Supernova :iconbozar88:Bozar88 8 2 Smolderado by Bozar88 Smolderado :iconbozar88:Bozar88 146 42 Unwelcome places by Bozar88 Unwelcome places :iconbozar88:Bozar88 21 8 Mechanical whale by Bozar88 Mechanical whale :iconbozar88:Bozar88 1 0 Water tower by Bozar88 Water tower :iconbozar88:Bozar88 6 1 Forest underpass by Bozar88 Forest underpass :iconbozar88:Bozar88 16 2 Hypnotizer by Bozar88 Hypnotizer :iconbozar88:Bozar88 11 7 Well amidst the white garden by Bozar88 Well amidst the white garden :iconbozar88:Bozar88 14 1

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Troll Slayer by PeteHamilton Troll Slayer :iconpetehamilton:PeteHamilton 99 27 Firefly by PeteHamilton Firefly :iconpetehamilton:PeteHamilton 48 12 Arising by Spiritofdarkness Arising :iconspiritofdarkness:Spiritofdarkness 767 464 Selfillumination 4 by Kutsche Selfillumination 4 :iconkutsche:Kutsche 112 15 Blatas by xylomon Blatas :iconxylomon:xylomon 12 10 Ring of Spheres by xylomon Ring of Spheres :iconxylomon:xylomon 27 24 Spirits Of The Air 7 by welshdragon Spirits Of The Air 7 :iconwelshdragon:welshdragon 7 0 2013 personal work by ThibaultFischer 2013 personal work :iconthibaultfischer:ThibaultFischer 1,337 79 Cinematic Character, Viktor by Mayrt Cinematic Character, Viktor :iconmayrt:Mayrt 557 134 The World is Flat by foureyes The World is Flat :iconfoureyes:foureyes 423 42 Lung Cancer by sdfphotography Lung Cancer :iconsdfphotography:sdfphotography 658 70 Commission: Writer by raptorzysko Commission: Writer :iconraptorzysko:raptorzysko 74 12 Ribbons by gonzalu Ribbons :icongonzalu:gonzalu 11 5 Flakes 2013 by loshke Flakes 2013 :iconloshke:loshke 3 0 My summer garden. by incredi My summer garden. :iconincredi:incredi 289 23 Bus Lane by sensorfleck Bus Lane :iconsensorfleck:sensorfleck 136 13

Activity


You may have noticed, that my gallery is very stagnant - there's almost nothing happening there. The reason is because I am dying.

The illness is completely destroying me! I mean that goddamn Ewing's sarcoma (think "bone cancer")... This thing is extremely malignant - it multiplies itself to other bones at alarming rate and damages them. In time, they get so damaged, that they can break without a reason. They can explode (fall apart) during a sleep. But the worst is that they can never grow together again, because they're dead. Few month ago my sternum broke unexpectedly. It was damn painful - when coughing, sneezing, lifting, deeply breathing... everything. Fortunately the sternum has grown together. Will I have such luck when one day bones in my legs explode? They have been causing me lots of pain recently. Do you suspect what needs to be done with extremities with dead bones, that can never regenerate? Yes, the worst.

Currently the situation is very bad. I have metastasis to entire torso (ribs, spine, shoulders), head, pelvis, thighs and what else... Due to chemo and radiotherapy some spots stop being active, while other start. The real problem is that after a year of treatment, doctors seem to be running out of ideas. They have already run out of possible chemotherapy - all the previous combinations of chems stopped working, because the tumor has got used to them (became immune). Radiotherapy can be used only at certain spots (usually those painful) and very rarely. It fixed my sternum, but didn't fix my spine - it still hurts very much. I deal with the pain by taking excessive amounts of heavy painkillers. They make me feel dumb, passive and sleepy. I can do nothing more. I can only hope that the illness stops. Stops, not get cured. This is what the doctor said: "At this point there is 0% chance for recovery. We can only try to slow/hold tumor's activity to prevent pain and bone necrosis"... and postpone the death...  
It's easy to loose that hope when the pain makes me moan and twist for entire days or nights.

So... this is how the things have been for a recent year. I think you understand my excuse. I can't think about anything when I'm suffering. And now I'm constantly suffering. It wiped the last traces of energy, creativity, humor and feelings from me. I'm alive, but is this still a life worth suffering for?
  • Listening to: lost my interest in music
  • Reading: can't concentrate on reading because of pain
  • Watching: anything to turn away my attention from pain
  • Eating: painkillers. lots of

deviantID

Bozar88
Michał
Poland
Current Residence: Poland, Łódź
DeviantWEAR sizing preference: M/L
Favourite genre of music: Doom Metal, Black Metal
Favourite photographer: davenit, pestilence, blepharopsis
Operating System: Windows 7 x64
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:iconspiritofdarkness:
Spiritofdarkness Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2016
:blackrose:
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:iconspiritofdarkness:
Spiritofdarkness Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2016
hi, I don't want to hurt you and it's definitely no joke ... but I see that you didn't realized it over the years ... he is dead
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:icondragonixa2:
Dragonixa2 Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Happy Birthday... I wish you calm and peace. / Wszystkiego najlepszego... Życzę ci spokoju i pokoju.
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:iconspiritofdarkness:
Spiritofdarkness Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2015
:blackrose:
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:iconmartaraff:
martaraff Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2015
Happy Birthday! *:heart:*
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:iconspiritofdarkness:
Spiritofdarkness Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2015
sorry ... I don't want to sound rude ... but he's dead ... since a couple of years
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:iconmartaraff:
martaraff Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2015
:-( Thanks.
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:iconspiritofdarkness:
Spiritofdarkness Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2015
no problem Hug emoticon 
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