You may have noticed, that my gallery is very stagnant - there's almost nothing happening there. The reason is because I am dying.
The illness is completely destroying me! I mean that goddamn Ewing's sarcoma (think "bone cancer")... This thing is extremely malignant - it multiplies itself to other bones at alarming rate and damages them. In time, they get so damaged, that they can break without a reason. They can explode (fall apart) during a sleep. But the worst is that they can never grow together again, because they're dead. Few month ago my sternum broke unexpectedly. It was damn painful - when coughing, sneezing, lifting, deeply breathing... everything. Fortunately the sternum has grown together. Will I have such luck when one day bones in my legs explode? They have been causing me lots of pain recently. Do you suspect what needs to be done with extremities with dead bones, that can never regenerate? Yes, the worst.
Currently the situation is very bad. I have metastasis to entire torso (ribs, spine, shoulders), head, pelvis, thighs and what else... Due to chemo and radiotherapy some spots stop being active, while other start. The real problem is that after a year of treatment, doctors seem to be running out of ideas. They have already run out of possible chemotherapy - all the previous combinations of chems stopped working, because the tumor has got used to them (became immune). Radiotherapy can be used only at certain spots (usually those painful) and very rarely. It fixed my sternum, but didn't fix my spine - it still hurts very much. I deal with the pain by taking excessive amounts of heavy painkillers. They make me feel dumb, passive and sleepy. I can do nothing more. I can only hope that the illness stops. Stops, not get cured. This is what the doctor said: "At this point there is 0% chance for recovery. We can only try to slow/hold tumor's activity to prevent pain and bone necrosis"... and postpone the death...
It's easy to loose that hope when the pain makes me moan and twist for entire days or nights.
So... this is how the things have been for a recent year. I think you understand my excuse. I can't think about anything when I'm suffering. And now I'm constantly suffering. It wiped the last traces of energy, creativity, humor and feelings from me. I'm alive, but is this still a life worth suffering for?